A commentator on Fox News while justifying the ICE raids, internment camps and border walls, said, “Illegal aliens are killing Americans.”
Not one to take such a concern lightly, I locked all the doors and did a head count. My defenses were on alert and I went online (curtains drawn so the aliens wouldn’t see me) to find our statistical chance of survival.
Wait….
It turns out “illegal aliens” don’t commit a higher percentage of crimes than non-aliens. By far. One hundred years of data concludes immigrants, in general, commit fewer crimes than native citizens.
A more alarming statistic is the violent crime committed by men, regardless of color or citizenship. Men commit more than 92 percent of all murders. And by an astonishing degree, male, native-born Americans pose the greatest threat to women, their loved ones, their neighbors, their co-workers, to every class and demographic, and even to themselves.
White men are more likely to be mass murderers and are also slightly more likely to be serial killers.
And so, difficult as this is and even though it includes me, I suggest we exile all adult, white, native-born males.
Before including men of other colors let’s see how the people we leave behind can solve issues of crime due to the inequities of racism and disproportionate poverty.
Something tells me they might do a better job without us.
There will be the inevitable movement of white people defending us white guys for having contributed so much to civilization, but that can be quelled by availing ourselves of some critical research.
What should be the destination of this exile? There is no one place to “go back to” (a popular directive these days). I wouldn’t bother asking Mexico for one of their beautiful offshore islands. The Mexican government might be a little smug over this.
I like that island in the Pacific where Tom Hanks was a castaway. Fish are plentiful and there’s fresh water. It could be tight quarters with over 100 million of us, but since we’re so inclined to kill, that number will decrease rapidly. If we bring our guns, for which we currently own an average of two per person, the efficiency rate should be high.
Sadly, I won’t last long on this white man’s island of Elba; I’m not intimidating and, frankly, the only thing that could drive me to kill would be a threat to my family, and they won’t be with me. This blanket solution to curb violence will mean my sons will be banished in a few years, but by then I’ll surely have been used as fish bait by some exiled pro hockey players.
I accept this fate.
This is only satire, of course, but if we really want look at who is killing Americans, if we really want to stop the violence, then we need to stop the violent.
Most look like me.
